Stress

It's almost Friday again. Next week is rather busy. I am not actually working that much, only 28 hours, but there is a lot going on. Monday I am taking Miles to the doctor to begin what I can only assume will be a long and arduous process of having him evaluated for ADHD. I already know he has it, I have known for years, but now we have to figure out what the hell to do about it. Erik has it and he never took medicine or did anything that I know of to help him out. He struggled in school and still thinks that he is stupid just because he had trouble concentrating. I don't want Miles to be like that and there are a lot more things they can do now to help kids. It's really hard for me because I never dealt with this growing up. Miles is really smart and does really well with reading and math, but most of the time he has trouble with his work because he wasn't paying enough attention to the instructions so he doesn't know what to do. You only want the best for your children, and I don't want him to struggle in school or in life because of this. Plus, sometimes it is more than I can take. On Thursday we have a parent-teacher conference with Mrs. Fullerton. We went to see her 3 months ago and she recommended that we take him to the doctor. It has taken me that long to do it. I suck. I am just so stressed about this whole thing.

My stomach hurts a lot lately and I feel like I have no motivation to do anything. I really want to just go to sleep. That probably isn't good. I usually sleep in on the weekends, but I always get such grief about it that almost doesn't help. I would just like to point out that I am up 2 hours before everyone else in this house Monday through Friday. That is 10 hours less of sleep that I get than them. I need a whole extra nights sleep to make up for that. That is a really good argument. I might use that on Saturday when I am made fun of for sleeping past 9. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to sleep through to the next day. Sad, but true.

I feel icky. Maybe I will go lay down.

A little sad...

I heard this song today and it made me cry.

"And So It Goes" by Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

As Sting would say:
If you love somebody, set them free

Crankiness

I started taking birth control pills again yesterday for the first time in 2 years. They are making me very irritated and cranky. Is that how they're supposed to prevent pregnancy, by making you such a bitch no one would have sex with you? It may be working!

On a more happy and pleasant note, I FINALLY PUT MY SHELVES TOGETHER!! As you can see, I am really excited about this. As usual when I attempt any project like this, there were a few glitches, but overall I would say it went really well. They aren't a high-quality piece of furniture by any stretch of the imagination, but for $25 I think I did pretty well. Aren't they awesome? I forgot I had some of the books I found hiding in Erik's closet. New things to read!

Miles had Tae Kwon Do today. I am not sure he learned any actual moves, though. I suspect they spent the time running around the gym. Whatever works.

Off to be cranky...

Weekend fun

Wow I can't believe I haven't written since Wednesday. Not much has really happened, I guess. Friday after work Miles and I took my sister to Cumberland to get her paycheck because the day before she attempted it and this is what happened:
Some random piece of debris or something hit her windshield while she was driving on the highway. It has been fixed now, but the guys who fixed it were really curious about what happened. They thought it was a bat or a sledgehammer. If only it were that interesting.

Yesterday I went shopping all by myself, but it was rather enjoyable. I went to Big Lots and got a bunch of treasures. My favorite by far was a new shower curtain. The shower curtain we currently have in our bathroom is an underwater scene with fish. I bought it for Miles' bathroom when we lived in our last house and he had his own. Now we have only one bathroom and, frankly, I don't want that to be my statement to people who come to my house and use my bathroom. Erik and Miles were both skeptical about my purchase, but both now agree that it makes the bathroom look much nicer. I will post a picture when I get new batteries for my camera and can take one.

Erryl came over today for a brief visit. We were supposed to go out for coffee, but I had too many chores to do to be able to go out. Plus, I think she is going to yell at me about stuff. Anyway, it was nice to see her because she is my best friend in the whole universe. There is really no better friend out there than her. Seriously, though, we get on each other's nerves sometimes (and sometimes she yells at me) but I honestly couldn't imagine my life without her. She has been there for all of the important stuff, and she will continue to be no matter what that stuff turns out to be. And she is one of only two people who ever read this thing, the other being my sister, so I know she cares. And she is never moving away again unless I am with her.

I got a lot done today, but I STILL haven't gotten my damn shelves put together. I swear I am going to work on them tonight after Miles goes to bed. Really. I mean it this time.

Randomness

A few random bits of trivia about me:

When I was 4 I won a contest and was in the circus for a day.

My sister and I both married men in kilts.

I have a scar on my wrist that says "Ian".

My favorite movie of all time is 'Back to the Future'.

I got my name because my father got drunk and pissed my mother off, so she named me.

The first and second boyfriends I ever had are now in-laws.

I like to take really hot showers.

My father wouldn't let me cut my hair until I was 7.

My child loves broccoli.

I am constantly doing math problems in my head.

I have never dated anyone who was shorter than 5'10".

I had my tonsils out at 28.

My husband and I went to see 'American Pie' on our first date.

I can't stand to get mayonnaise or peanut butter on my skin.

I love building things, but I still haven't put together my bloody shelves! WTF!

Shelves? Keep your fingers crossed!

I am tired again, but proud of myself because I not only made a delicious and healthy homemade dinner for my family, but I also made lunches for tomorrow and did dishes. And it's only 7:00. My plan is after Miles goes to bed I am going in my room and working on my shelves while I watch American Idol. We'll see how that goes.

I just pulled up my Google homepage and saw that Heath Ledger died. I am terribly saddened by this news. It's sort of weird with celebrities, you almost feel like you know them. I really liked him in the Gay Cowboy Movie. He was a good actor and not terrible to look at either. He had a little daughter, I feel terrible for her because she will probably not remember him. So sad.

Work is stupid as usual. Less work, but just as much bullshit. Pretty soon they will start cutting my hours and I will have to do stupid jobs. I am getting the baby fever again. I just don't know what I would do with the thing if I had one. I stayed home with Miles because we had one car with no payments and a super cheap apartment and no real bills. Now we have a huge house with room and real health insurance and a car with 4 doors. But we have these things because I work and we wouldn't have them if I didn't. I don't like the idea of strangers raising my child and I couldn't afford daycare anyway. Are these the reasons I have been unable to produce a sibling for my only child? Who knows. Only time will tell. I may be a grandmother before I get pregnant again.

Off to prepare my boy for bed and listen to him read me the book "Kitty Cat Runs up a Tree".

Happy Monday

The weekend is over again and I am already tired. It never bodes well for your day when you wake up and instantly think "I can't wait to go to bed". That is virtually every day for me. I feel like I need to sleep for a week.

The weekend went surprisingly well. Miles went over to Terry and Lisa's on Saturday, which is always nice. And then, of course, the Patriot's won. Need I say more? There was some sadness, however. Rory's dog Edy, who has been a part of our family for longer than I can remember, had to be put to sleep today. My sister and Terry got her, I think, before they even got married, so that was at least 14 years ago. She was one of the sweetest dogs ever. I am very picky about dogs, I only like certain ones, and I loved Edy. She was such a princess. I remember we painted her toenails one time and she was in heaven. Anyway, I got to say goodbye to her on Sunday when I picked the boys up. Rory is really sad, because she has been around longer than he has. We are all sad, but she was really suffering and now she isn't, so that makes me feel a lot better.

On a more random note, I told Erik I thought we should take a vacation. We have never taken a real vacation where we went anywhere with Miles. We went to Vermont when I was pregnant (we payed for the trip with change from our car), and we went to Florida for our honeymoon 4 years ago. Anyway, Erik has decided we should drive to the Grand Canyon. I don't know if this will happen, but everyone I tell seems to think it is the funniest thing ever. I will say, I have no problem driving long distances, in fact I love it. The furthest west I have been is Missouri, so I would really enjoy being able to see places I have never been. We wouldn't go until this summer, so we'll see what happens, but we have to do something or I will lose my mind.

I still haven't put my shelves together and it's not looking good for today because I am tired and want to sleep. Maybe tomorrow.

Surprise

Well, my weekend has turned out completely different than I thought it would. I guess I should say I didn't have any real specific plans other than watching the Patriot's game tomorrow, which I will still be doing, but it is different than I thought it would be. First of all, we had Chinese for dinner last night. I was all prepared to cook, but Erik said we could eat out and I was not going to argue. Then we watched the movie Babel, which was quite good but incredibly depressing. I am glad I saw it, but don't feel compelled to ever watch it again. It was stressful.

At around 5:00 this morning, we were awoken to Erik's beeper going off. I was worried because the only other time he has been called in the middle of the night was when they had that flood last year. It turned out to be crazy old people who always think their furnace is broken when it doesn't come on right away. He didn't have to go in, but was beeped again at around 8:30 by the same people. This time he went and put portable heaters in every room in their house so they couldn't complain about being cold. Shortly before he left, Rory called to invite Miles over to his Dad's house to spend the night. Score! So we met up with Terry at Rory's basketball game and handed him over. It's so weird to not have a kid. Usually if we get a babysitter it is for a specific reason, but this time we had nothing really to do. It has been awesome. We went to Target and I got new shelves for my bedroom. I have too many books for all my shelves and I was tired of waiting for Erik to build me some. I am sure I will fill these soon, so I will still need him to build more, but these should tide me over for a little bit. We also rented some more movies, but I can't remember right now what the hell they are. I think one has Kevin Bacon in it, but I guess that doesn't narrow it down much.

I am off to clean my room so I can build my new shelves! Go Pats!

blah blah

I am so sick of the seemingly never ending stream of crap email that finds it's way into my inbox on a daily basis. Apparently there are a lot of companies out there who think I need: a job, a new watch, a bigger penis, investment advice, and Viagra. I need none of these things. Well, maybe a new job would be nice, but not the ones that I am being offered multiple times a day. My favorite husband, who has no concept of email and doesn't even touch the computer, sees the words "85 new messages" and freaks out every time. It goes something like this:
"85 new messages, what the hell is up with that?"
"It's fucking spam."
"I thought spam was food."
Every time.

It is the weekend again and I am thrilled. Of course by Friday afternoon I am tired of the crap I deal with at work and can't wait to be home for 2 whole days. The best part is not having the alarm go off at 4:30 am. But, invariably, I will come to miss work. More than likely this will happen by tomorrow afternoon. I sleep too late, I eat too much, I am messy, I don't plan well, I spend too much money, I waste time, I am on the computer too much, I dont' drink enough alcohol, I speak to men, I use too much cream in my coffee, i read for fun, i breathe. I don't know how people can be around me when I am such a burdensome disappointment. Luckily I have someone who cares enough to point these things out for me.

Big game on Sunday. I invited Jenny over to watch it and have sandwiches. I don't know why, but I am really in the mood for sandwiches.

So I finally finished the 6th Harry Potter book. I am so glad I re-read it because I had forgotten so much. I started the 7th book again. I am only on the 2nd chapter because I was really bloody tired last night and the book is quite heavy. I have a tendency to fall asleep while reading and sometimes the book falls on my face.

I bought Miles some Spider-Man flannel sheets. Erik wants me to buy flannel sheets for our bed, but I absolutely refuse. I detest being hot while sleeping. I flip my pillow over AT LEAST 20 times a night so it will feel cold again. My theory about this is that if Erik is so frigging cold, perhaps he should try wearing something to bed besides his boxers. I wear pajamas and I am perfectly lovely. My other problem is silence. We have become sound addicts. I have to have a fan or air conditioner or some other sound-making device going or I cannot sleep well. It is kind or irritating.

I should really go do something productive now.

I have a headache this big...

My head feels like someone is squeezing it. It isn't fun. I went upstairs to lay down for a few minutes and the next thing I knew it was 2 hours later. And I still feel like crap. Good times.

Another long, crazy day at work today. Next week our workload is half of what it is this week. Eventually there will be little for me to do and I will be looking for hours. I asked for two days off in February for Miles' vacation. I might actually get them! We will be busy preparing for his 7th birthday party. I think this year I might have to buckle down and actually let him invite some friends from school. I am just so hesitant because since his birthday is in February, they have to stay inside and I don't think I could handle too many kids in here at once. Usually it is just Miles, Rory, Kayleigh and Holly and that is enough for me. This whole birthday party thing is too much for me to think about right now.

We're having eggs for dinner, so I must go tend to that. More fun and excitement later!

So tired

I have things to write about, but no energy to type. I snowblowed the driveway tonight for the first time ever. It was Erik's birthday present because I felt guilty making him do it when he spent all day at work removing snow with a cold. I am beat. Mostly because I couldn't figure out how to start the snowblower and so I shoveled half the driveway before Erik got home and showed me how to use it. It was much easier after that, but the damage was already done. I am way too old for this. Happy birthday, dear.

Must sleep...

I hate people

Here it is. Our masterpiece. We worked very hard on this. Well, I worked hard on it and Miles watched. I don't want to send it to school, I'm afraid the stickers will fall off and it will get ruined. I am such a geek.

More snow for tonight/tomorrow. I was so happy to be able to see the ground again. The forecast says we are going to get another 6-10 inches before it's over. I am assuming there won't be school, but I have to work because I don't want to get fired. Love my job.

I had to do a lot of grocery shopping today at more than one store. It has just reaffirmed to me that I hate people. Okay, not everyone. Stupid people. There seems to be an abundance of them, especially at the store. My big thing that I hate is when people see you putting your groceries in your car and wait for you to leave so they can have your parking spot. My favorite thing to do when encountered with this asinine practice is to get in my car and sit there until the offending parties get pissed off and leave. I get such satisfaction from that I can't even tell you. I find it incredibly amusing. There is not that much of a demand for parking spots at Wal-Mart in Brunswick, ME. Keep driving, asshole.

Off to bed. More fun tomorrow!

Party

We are going to Rory's birthday party tonight at my sister's house. First, however, we have to go shopping for a present for him and I have no idea what to get the boy. I hate buying stupid toys that they will only play with for a brief period and/or annoy their parents with. But, I also want to buy him something he will really like. I feel completely uncreative about the whole thing.

Miles and I have to do this banner for school that is all about him. Pictures of his house, his family, when he was a baby, etc. Most of my pictures lately are digital and I never make prints because I am too lazy and cheap to buy ink and photo paper. So I ordered some prints from Target, which we need to go pick up on our travels today. One of the pictures was from St. Patrick's Day 2001 when Miles was 3 weeks old. It is me and Erik and Miles. Considering I had just had a baby, I don't look too bad in that photo. Erik looks really young. He was only 21. It's hard to believe that is Miles. He was so little then, but still loud. He cried all the time when he was a baby. I think it must have been early stages of his ADHD. The original copy of this photo is in a frame with no glass. I threw it across the room in a postpartum rage. Good times.

Erik is painting today again, so it is just me and Miles until tonight. It has been so warm lately I don't know what to do. It finally stopped raining and I can see the ground again. But, I heard we might get snow Monday. I can't take anymore. I know I live in Maine, but I am just sick of the snow. They only allow for 3 snow days and they have already used 2. I am ready for spring.

I haven't gone anywhere or done anything fun for what seems like forever. I guess the last time I did anything interesting was when I went to Connecticut. That was 6 weeks ago. I feel like a hermit. Everyone tends to get like this in the winter, I think. It's just not as much fun to go somewhere when you have to put 12 layers of clothing on and worry about the weather. Plus, I am not allowed to have fun anymore. It leads to thoughts. Blasphemy.

It's Friday!

I am finally feeling better somewhat. And I am so glad it's the weekend because I am sick of work. Next week is going to be even worse than this week, but at least I won't be sick anymore. It was actually a rather pleasant day at work today. Not too stressful and my boss was actually nice to me. It kind of freaked me out. He is usually terse and surly with me. He did tell me I had attitude, though. I guess it isn't as bad as I thought.

Tomorrow night is Rory's birthday party. I have no idea what to get him. I am at a loss. My sister is being no help either. I guess tomorrow Miles and I will have to go shopping for a gift. It is hard bringing him because he tends to want to buy Rory stuff he wants instead of the other way around. Erik is painting again tomorrow. I think my mom and dad are going and hopefully Cakes and the girls, too. I am looking forward to cake!

Miles brought home a big piece of construction paper from school that we have to make into a poster about him. I am super excited about it. We get to put pictures on it and decorate it. I will have trouble not doing the whole thing myself. I have problems with delegating.

I am almost done with the sixth Harry Potter book again. I am so psyched to read the seventh, but also sad that then it will be over. I guess I will just have to read it again.

More suckiness

Still sick and really irritated about it. Yesterday was, I hope, the worst of it. I actually had to have Erik pick me up at work because I didn't feel well enough to drive. I am better today, although that isn't saying very much. My head feels less stuffy, but now I am losing my voice.

I am so happy tomorrow is Friday. I have nothing in particular going on this weekend, but just not working is always nice. It has been a really busy week at work and next week is even worse. I need to sleep a lot.

Monday is Erik and Rory's birthdays. I have nothing for either. I shall blame my sickness.

Miles is going to be taking an after-school class in Tae Kwon Do. That is possibly the cutest thing ever. He is super excited. I am hoping he will teach me some moves.

Lots of other things going on, but nothing I feel like talking about at the present time. I will add it all to my book.

Sickness=suckiness

So I am sick. I don't know what it is exactly, but my throat hurts and I want to die. I guess that is bad.

I had a weekend that was not terribly exciting. The usual misunderstandings and me being wrong. Same old. We had frozen pizza for dinner last night. I am trying to eat better, but lately when it comes to dinner I have no motivation to cook. Maybe it is my shitty kitchen with no counter space. But I don't remember feeling like this before. I just never want to cook, and I love cooking. I don't know what the hell my problem is.

I am trying hard not to talk to someone. I feel like a broken record and I think that is just making things more difficult for this person. I think that if I just back off for a while I will feel better because I won't be complicating things for either of us. On the other hand, I don't want them to think I don't care. It is very complex and is stresses me out. I only want people to be happy, but sometimes I think that I make things harder for everyone. I am not completely certain that some of the major things that have happened in my life weren't all my idea. I think, perhaps, that I am very persuasive and, therefore, have made people do things they didn't necessarily want to do. I don't want that to happen again. My desire to be right and get my way should not rank above the need for happiness. Then, of course, it comes back to the big question of happiness. What makes me happy? I really don't know. I know some things that do. And I know a lot that makes me unhappy. I guess it changes along the way and I am just having trouble coping with the change. I like being right and knowing the answers. So all this shit just pisses me off.

Movies are never the same

I went to the grocery store yesterday and rented movies from the big vending machine they have there. We watched the new Harry Potter movie. It was good, but they left out so much. I am such a nerd when it comes to movies being made into books. It was a long book, I realize they couldn't put everything into it, but it drives me nuts anyway. I am currently in the midst of re-reading number 6. I got the last book for Christmas and realized that it had been too long since I had read the sixth book, so I decided to refresh myself. Erik thinks it's stupid, but I can only read the 7th book for the first time once and I want to make sure I know what is going on.

Erryl is coming over today. We are taking down the Christmas tree. I need to do laundry and give Miles a haircut. Not terribly exciting, but busy nonetheless.

Oh yeah, and it's 37 out!! Time for bathing suits!

Crazy

It is finally not sub-zero outside. I have many things to do and I don't feel inspired to do any of them. I really want to go to Salvation Army and buy second-hand clothes. Perhaps I will do that. I wonder what color tags are half-price today.

My doctor says I need to eat more fiber. She sent me recipes for homemade muffins. I bought the ingredients, but haven't bothered to make them. She also says I should think about not taking my medicine anymore. She is so funny. I understand the logic of not relying on medication to fix all of your problems. But I like not being crazy.

Erik is painting today. Tomorrow we are taking the Christmas tree down. Miles needs a haircut. Erik wants to shave it like his. Miles wants a mowhawk. I gave him one last summer and Erik was horrified. He acted like I had pierced his ears or something. It grew back. I am not a particular fan of Erik's haircut, so I think I will cut Miles' hair myself.

Off to have fun.

New Year...New Me?

So it is now 2008. I don't know what is in store for me. 2007 wasn't bad necessarily, but for some reason or another I don't think of it as good either. I feel like I am getting old and maybe I should be doing something different. Or maybe I should be doing exactly what I am doing now. Basically I don't know what the answer is. I have made it my goal to figure out in 2008 what I want and how to get there. I guess my problem is not deciding what I want, but what I don't want.