Reflections on 2008

So. It's the end of the year. It really amazes me how fast the years fly by the older you get. I am sure to Miles it seems like a lifetime, but to me it seems like a couple of months. I feel like I really got nothing done this year. I feel like I have procrastinated more than usual and that is never a good feeling. I don't remember what my resolution(s) were last year, but I find it unlikely I accomplished any of them, unless they involved putting things off and watching TV. I guess, looking back, it was a fairly stressful year. My mother breaking her hip was the highlight of that stress. She lived with both of us, and now she's back "occasionally" living with us until the snow banks are too high for her to climb over and she smartens the fuck up. Having your parents live with you is enough to drive someone to heavy drinking, and yet I seem to have given up drinking altogether. It's expensive, and it usually makes me feel like crap. I would just rather have a diet coke that doesn't give me a headache in the morning. I gave up smoking in 2007, but I did have a few slip-ups in 2008, mostly when my mother fell. Many people in my life will be happy to know, however, that I didn't buy any cigarettes the whole year. I was tempted, but for the most part I felt okay about the whole thing.

I am still working at my stupid job that I hate. I don't hate the job necessarily. The actual work that I do is not bad, and I like most of the people I work with. But they pay shit and a lot of the rules are stupid. And I have to work tomorrow at 6am. It could be worse, I could be unemployed. I am hopeful that in a year I won't be complaining about my job, but I am not going to hold my breath on that one.

I spent a lot of 2008 debating the whole baby issue. Three years ago when I stopped taking birth control, I was certain that was what I wanted. And then 2 years went by and it didn't happen. So then I started second guessing it because I have this whole mentality of things happen for a reason, yada, yada. Plus I was 2 years older and so was Miles and it started seeming like maybe less of a good idea. True, there were other things effecting my decision making at that time, but I felt it was better to err on the side of caution. Now it's been a year since I went back on the pill and I've decided it's now or never. The issues I was having that made me second-guess the idea are still there, but I have decided to just do it anyway. Basically if I haven't gotten pregnant by next year, I will officially give up. One of those issues is more prominent in my mind than ever lately, but I can't revolve my life around something that may never happen. So, this is my year to try, again, to get pregnant. Of course, I have made this decision and, thanks to my perioral dermatitis, I must wait some more. Conspiracy? Perhaps.

I guess to sum it up, 2008 was sort of an odd year. Notable for my mother's accident, but little else. I am hopeful for more interesting, and happy, things for 2009.

i fucking hate people.

Pissed off-edness

Yes, I know. I haven't written in over a month. It's kind of like when you don't talk to someone for a long time and then you realize you have so much to tell them that you feel like you don't know where to start, so why bother. I don't think anyone really reads this anymore anyway, so it is mostly for my own sanity, as questionable as it is. I refuse to play catch-up. I figure the important stuff will come up eventually.

I am sick of caring about certain things in my life that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, and that I shouldn't even care about to begin with. Still, I care, and it pisses me off. I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment, and I've come to realize that this is why I am so confused and irritated about the "future". Because I don't fucking know what is going to fucking happen and it pisses me off. When someone figures it out let me know.

Off to be pissed.

Good times

I suck at this, apparently. My vacation came and went. It wasn't long enough and I had serious trouble going back to work. Last week Miles went back to school, which was sad and happy. Happy because I feel good knowing he is at school and learning and I am not entirely abandoning him by going to work everyday. Sad because I just can't believe he is in second grade. Parenthood is such a double-edged sword. You can't wait for your kids to grow up and get older, and then when they do you are devastated by it and wish for that time back. I love that he is older and I can talk to him about things and he will understand them. I love that he reads now so I don't have to explain everything to him. But, I miss when he used to pronounce things wrong like "tik top" instead of "tiptoe". I wanted another one, but I really don't think that is going to happen at this point. Too much time has passed and I am in a bad place with hating my job and having no money. I guess I should have done it before everything dried up, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be.

My stomach hurts. Between that and headaches, I feel like crap often. I just want to run away sometimes, but that stuff would come with me.

Off to complain.

Vacation!!

The most exciting part of this vacation thing for me is the fact that my alarm will not be going off at 4:30 in the morning for a long time. I don't mind working early in the morning because it works out well with Miles' schedule, but it is still nice to sleep past 5.

I stayed up late playing Guitar Hero 2 that we borrowed from my sister. Today Miles and I went to McDonald's for breakfast so he could play on the indoor playground they have. Then we went to Old Navy, where they are having a big sale, and bought him a bunch of clothes for school for not a lot of money. Most of the stuff we bought has skulls on it, I love that kid. Then we went to Wal-Mart and bought some stuff for our cookout tomorrow and a couple of more school things for him. He still needs shoes and supplies, but I feel good about our progress. I need to go to Shaw's later to get some more groceries, but I am waiting until Erik gets home.

Tomorrow is our cookout with Erik's family and Sunday I am going to a baby shower for my friend Missy. Aside from that I have nothing planned for the rest of my vacation. Lots of excitement I am sure.

Off to clean my house.

One more day!!

You would think that by my jubilant usage of punctuation that I would be in an awesome mood because I am so close to being on vacation. However, I still have one more day to get through, and it could be tough. Also, I got my car back, which should be a happy occasion, but I am really pissed off about it because they swear there is nothing wrong with it. Now I know I should be happy about that, and I am happy that it didn't' cost me anything, but it really ticks me off that my car has been sitting at the garage since Friday, when all it needed was more antifreeze. MORE ANTIFREEZE!! I had an issue on Friday when it started acting up because I called Erik and asked him to come get us in Topsham because I didn't dare drive it with antifreeze coming out and the temperature gauge on "hot". I figured he could come look at it and then we would determine what to do next. He absolutely insisted that I should call AAA to have the car towed. I thought I could wait until he got there in case it was something stupid that he could fix. Oh no, if it's leaking antifreeze the radiator must be busted and he can't fix that. So I reluctantly called AAA, waited on the phone forever with a loud kid in the backseat, and then had to give them my credit card number because apparently they only cover 5 miles of towing. Erik shows up in the middle of this, looks under the hood, and announces when I get off the phone that he thinks the cap was just loose and I can drive it home. AAAHHH!!! You would think it would be satisfying to be right so often, but it is really just maddening.

Off to think good thoughts.

So...close...

In 44 1/2 hours I will be officially on vacation. I am really beating this vacation thing to death, I realize, especially since I am actually going nowhere and doing nothing particularly special. People at work (yes, I have been driving all of them nuts, too, with my constant countdown) have been asking what I am doing on my time off, and all I can say is "not coming in here". I am going to do my best to avoid that place as much as is humanly possible. I am there 40 hours a week normally, I think I can survive 11 or 12 days without it.

Still no car. My stomach hurts virtually all the time, not sure what that is about. I promise this won't turn into another self-pity paragraph. On a more pleasant note, I have been really appreciating my husband lately. My husband is great, most of the time, but after 9 years it is easy to forget the good stuff and just focus on the things that annoy you. This whole pseudo-drama with my ex-husband is causing me to remember him and how much he sucked as a husband. He was a very important part of my life, but I am so happy I am not married to him anymore. I don't miss the dramatics and the temper tantrums. And Erik is way cuter. Plus, he's still here, that is a big plus.

Off to be domestic.

Three days...

I have three more working days left until my vacation. I have been counting down the hours and I am now down to 25 1/2. That includes lunches and breaks. I truly feel like never going back. I most likely will, but at the rate things are going, it doesn't look good.

I'm tired all the time, my house is a mess, my kid is cranky, my husband gets on my nerves more often than not, and I'm broke. All around things are going well. I need a vacation by myself, but considering I am not able to leave the house by myself without an inquisition unless it is to go to the grocery store, I doubt I will ever get some time alone. Today I sliced my leg open on some legos that Miles had set up in the reading room. My ex-husband is having marital issues (shocking!) and feels the need to share them with me, which is just totally awesome. Wait. Did I mention my car is broken? I hate my job. I rarely see my best friend (love you!). And I am a dried up, barren old hag. And then there's that other thing, which I don't think about as much as I used to, but when I do it is all I can do to not drive far away. Good thing I don't have a car.

Off to feel sorry for myself some more. And make dinner.

Ack!

I jinxed myself. I couldn't wait for my sister to get her new car so I could have mine back. We went on Thursday to pick it up and I said to her, jokingly, "Can I borrow your car?". Ha. On Friday my radiator started spraying antifreeze all over the engine. So now it is sitting at the garage waiting for them to look at it tomorrow. I hope it doesn't take long to fix. Also, I have pretty much no money so I am hoping it isn't that it needs a new radiator. I hope it is something cheap.

I have other drama going on. I mostly bring it on myself because I try to make everyone happy. It doesn't usually work and it usually just stresses me out more than I already am.

Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate my job? I fucking hate my job. With the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. It sucks.

We didn't have our yard sale this weekend. Partially because of the questionable weather we have been having lately, but mostly because I did little to nothing in preparation for it. It is kind of good, because I have come up with more things to sell. Also, my sister and I have come to the conclusion that we need to have Pamela Anderson there helping us. Or someone will go topless. Not sure which yet, still working on it.

More to write, but no motivation, and I have things to do.

Off to cook.

Crappy weekend

It's raining. Again. The weekend is supposed to be nice. Why doesn't everyone know this by now? This is my last weekend for a while when I don't have a lot of stressful things planned. Next Saturday is my yard sale. The weekend after (when I will be on vacation!!!) we are having a barbecue with Erik's family. Finally, the weekend after that is my cousin Becca's wedding. So I need to enjoy myself now. It's not working.

I have to go to my mother's house again today to get more crap for our yard sale. My sister is going with me as well. She has a lot of stuff in my mother's basement and I want to know if I can sell it since most of it has been there for 10 years or more.

Off to get dressed.

Lazy Saturday

I had plans for today. Next Saturday I have decided it is finally time for us to have the yard sale I plan to have every year and never get around to. Last week we went over to my mother's house to free her of some of her clutter aka stuff for our yard sale. I have a bunch of crap there from my first marriage that I just don't care to own anymore, so I might as well get some money for it. Today I had planned to force my sister to go with me. But last night I went out on the town and now I am too lazy and tired to do anything really productive. So I will put it off until tomorrow.

I went to the theater last night with Erik's mother and her friends. They get season tickets every year and make a whole night of it with dinner, etc. A few years ago, one of them couldn't make it to one show so there was an extra ticket and she asked me to go. Ever since, she makes it a point to get me a ticket to go to at least one show with them. I love the theater, obviously, and I really love musical theater because I wish I could sing and dance. I will watch anything and am pretty much guaranteed to have a good time. Last night we went to Pedro O'Hara's for dinner and then saw a show called "All Shook Up". I had never heard of it and, therefore, had no expectations. All the music in it was by Elvis, and it was phenomenal. I had a really great time, but I got home late and am paying for it now.

I hate my job. I have a vacation coming up in 2 weeks. It can't possibly come soon enough.

I am a little sad about Manny, but I was honestly getting a little sick of his shit, too. It was all very reminiscent of the whole Nomar deal, and look how well they did without him. I will find a new favorite player. The front-runner right now is JD Drew. I'll keep everyone posted.

Off to be lazy.

Another weekend gone

Where does all the time go? It drives me insane how quickly a week, a month, a year passes and then it all blends together and you forget how long it's been since you've seen or talked to someone you really care about. I am not trying to sound emotional or philosophical, but the weekend is over too soon, again, and I hate my job so I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

I took my favorite sister out car shopping yesterday. We found an awesome Volvo that I think she is going to buy. It was in really good condition, low mileage, one owner. The only downside was it is automatic, which I realize is a selling point for some, but I really like to have something to do while I drive. Anyway, Miles spent the night over there, so Erik and I went to see the new Batman movie. It was unbelievable. Really good. But long, we didn't get out of the theater until 1:00 this morning. I am very tired now. I can't type anymore.

Off to sleep.

More partying

I am sitting here waiting not-so-patiently for my sister's second birthday cake to finish baking in the oven. We are having a party for her at my dad's house this afternoon and I was elected to bring the cake. I am impatient for two reasons: 1) It is really bloody hot and muggy out and having my oven on is not making that situation any better and 2) I am going to make blueberry pancakes for breakfast, but thanks to the awesome wiring in my old house, I can't use the oven, the coffeemaker, and the outlet I need for the griddle at once without everything shutting off. So I wait.

I am cranky lately. Work troubles, plus the usual crap. And I am wishing certain people in my life would just smarten the fuck up.

Off to make pancakes.

Fun and excitement

My sister's birthday was a success. She deemed it her "best birthday ever". We had lobster and there was enough left over for lobster rolls the next day. I have never cooked lobster myself before, and I am happy to say it came out good.

I took Rory out on Friday to shop for her present. We had discussed it earlier and he absolutely insisted that what she really wanted was Guitar Hero. Needless to say, I was a bit skeptical. So we went to Game Stop to see how much it would be to buy it used. It was considerably more than I had planned on spending, since we also were going to buy her some earrings, which I knew for a fact that she actually wanted. I didn't want to buy it, but he was so adamant about it, that I would have felt bad if I didn't get it. Anyway, the point of the story is that we did get it for her, and it turns out we are all obsessed with playing it now. So much so, in fact, that Erik and I went out on Sunday and bought our own because we were so upset Jen had taken hers home. It is completely addictive. Erik, as it turns out, is some sort of savant at it. Now he has decided he wants to learn how to play a real guitar. All he needs is a suit and I will be all set.

On Monday I finally got my car fixed. That's right kids, my beautiful car is no longer covered with duct tape. Two years it was like that. Duct tape is wonderful, but I really felt tacky using it to hold up my window. Then sometimes the tape would let go when it was hot and the window would be completely open for anyone to take my stuff. It has been a pain in my ass for too long, but frankly I just couldn't be bothered to spend the money to get it fixed when I had other things to pay for. But I finally gave in and here we are:
Isn't it beautiful? I am so excited about it, I can't even tell you.

Off to gaze at the beauty of my window.

Happy Birthday, Favorite Sister!

Well, obviously, it is my sister's birthday. She is 27 again today, which makes her younger than me and Erik now. I have many things to do to get ready for the festivities, but I just had to put something in here about it anyway.

I love you, favorite sister!

Off to the store.

Neglectful

I was trying really hard last month to be better about writing here more often. But I suck. It has been really hot lately and I guess that translates into me not wanting to type. Not sure if that is really the case, or if it is just that I am a slacker.

So, I have finally gotten to my final dose of four metformin a day. I guess it was just the initial shock of it in my body that made me so sick, because my last two increases didn't turn out to be that bad. I feel no different, except for the fact that I now take a grand total of 12 (twelve) pills a day. Granted, four of those are vitamins, but I am still old. I will have to take a picture of my old-lady pill caddy to post. I just need a cane. That will come sooner than I want it to, I am sure. Especially with my genes.

We went to a wedding this past weekend. It was a friend of the family on Erik's side. It was a nice wedding, but hard to overlook the fact that it cost an obscene amount of money and 1) they actually already got married over a year ago and 2) the bride's father offered to give her the money for a down payment on a house, but she wanted the wedding instead. I have had a wedding. Two actually. Three if you count the one in that woman's living room. Anyway, I can say from experience that weddings are lovely, but you are no less married if you spend $15,000 or $1500. My wedding was awesome (the most recent one), and we had an awesome time, but I still kind of wish I had just saved my money and gone on a nice trip somewhere.

Saturday is my sister's birthday. She is going to be 27. Again. So I am throwing her a mini-bash with the usual cast of characters (us and my mom, maybe Erryl) and we are having lobsters. I haven't had a lobster in probably two years, so I am really looking forward to it. Plus, I love throwing parties. That is one of me and Erryl's business plans, to be professional party planners. I am not holding my breath for it.

Off to plan.

oh, the nausea

Yeah, so the new medicine makes me sick to my stomach. All the time. I fucking love it. I will say, it is certainly helping my diet when I only eat one meal a day and it is soup. Actually today wasn't as bad as yesterday, however, once I can tolerate my current dose of one pill, I have to start taking two. Eventually I have to work my way up to four pills a day. I have to take them with dinner, along with 3 vitamins. So, since I take my other pills in the morning and these pills are so freakishly huge, I need a new pill caddy. I am easily the oldest 31-year-old I know. I used to only take birth control pills and those were easy enough to remember. Then I started taking anti-depressants, also easy. Then they found my thyroid problem, so there was another pill. And I started realizing that I was having trouble remembering if I had taken all of my pills everyday. So I got a little pill box with all of the days of the week so I know if I have taken them. And now I need a giant one for all my freak medicines. I hate getting old.

Yesterday was Miles' last day of school. Now he is officially a second grader and, therefore, one of the "big kids" at his school since it only has K-2. When did this happen? I remember the days when I could go through the drive-through at Dunkin Donuts without him asking for something. I miss those days. I just don't know how he got so big without my noticing. Anyway, he did really well his last quarter of school and got several "O"s for outstanding, which he never got before. He is doing awesome and I am really proud of him, I just hope he stays like this and doesn't end up not caring about school the way me and Erik did.

I am off tomorrow because there isn't school and I wanted to hang out with Miles. We are hoping to have Rory come over as well, but don't know for sure yet. If I am feeling less barfy tomorrow, I will probably up my dose of the Metformin to 2 pills. Good times.

Off to take pills, pills, and more pills.

More pills

So I went to the doctor. And what I have is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Basically, my ovaries aren't working right and it is preventing me from getting pregnant. I wanted to know what my problem is, and now I know and I am fixing it with ungodly humongous pills. Because I don't take enough pills. But I still don't know if I want to get pregnant. Two years ago, absolutely. Now my kid is 7. Do I really want to start over again? It was easy to deal with when it happened on accident, the decision was made for me. Now that I have to be a grown-up and make a life-altering choice, I can't do it.

I am cranky from the aforementioned PCOS, lack of sleep, the fact that my kid will be a second grader tomorrow, and because I started my stupid fucking diet today.

Off to sleep...maybe.

Can't sleep

I am up super-early, because I was so paranoid about oversleeping. And I feel like barfing because of stress. I am off tomorrow, thank goodness, but I won't really be able to sleep in because it is my baby's last day of school. I need a sleep vacation.

Off to not barf.

Ack! 4am!

I am such a fucking sucker sometimes it pisses me off. As I mentioned before, I am "in charge" until Wednesday when my boss comes back. We had an obscene amount of work to do today and, as usual, not enough help. So, we didn't finish and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 9:45, which means I will be gone for an indeterminable amount of time. And I felt guilty about this because even though we don't have a ton of work for tomorrow, we still have work from today to finish. I relayed this information to Eric, one of the execs who will be in charge tomorrow morning and he said " Why don't you come in at 4 then?". And I said yes! What the fuck is my problem? In my defense, I will get shift differential from 4 until I leave for my appointment, so that is one good reason to do it. I am going to be so fucking tired tomorrow. And hot because they don't turn on the A/C until 7. I am really regretting this.

Off to bed soon. 4am!

Happy Father's Day

It's Father's Day. As usual, my father is in Canada fishing, which makes my life so much easier because then I only have to focus on the other side of my family. We gave Erik a Red Sox shirt (and bought ones for ourselves, too), and went over to see his grandfather. His mother was there, too, but his sister is currently skiing in the French Alps and his father is in Singapore. We visited with them and even ended up eating lunch with them, which we hadn't planned. Erik's grandmother makes the greatest cole slaw in the universe. I am serious, there is no other that could even compare. Anyhow, then we went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It was really good, although there were certain aspects of the story that I found a little far-fetched. I really like that kid with the weird name who plays Indy's son. We took Miles today thinking that since the movie has been out for 3 or 4 weeks, it would probably be empty. However, since it was raining the theater was packed. Miles was an angel, though. I didn't even give him any pills. It was odd.

I have more to write about because I have a thousand things going through my mind lately. I just have times where I deal better than others, and this is, apparently, one of the bad times. Tomorrow is going to be a stressful day at work, tons to do and not enough help. And I'm in charge. Good times. I will prattle on and on endlessly about my problems at another point, however, because I have to put my kid to bed. Then again, I may choose to keep it all to myself and make myself crazy. Crazier.

Off to obsess.

Hot skin

Miles had a baseball game this morning. It was really sunny and fairly hot out, especially when you are wearing jeans. Then we came home and I lathered on the sunscreen and went in the pool. Apparently my 2 hours in the sun at baseball was enough to fry me to a crisp. I had a decent tan on my arms, but now they are red and very hot. My legs are still pasty white, as are the backs of my arms. It is such a good look, I highly recommend it to everyone who wants to look foxy like me.

I think I am starting a diet on Monday. I have been saying this since, at least, January of 1998, but now I am planning on it. Maybe. It is really hard living with 2 people who don't have to worry about their weight. There is no comprehension of what it is like to have to go through that whole process. I have 2 weddings to go to this summer, and I have gained all the weight back that I lost last summer for my reunion. One of the weddings is in 3 weeks, so it is unlikely I will be able to make much of a difference before that one, but at least I can work on it. It will probably make me crankier and bitchier than usual. Looking forward to that.

Off to roast.

TGIF

Fridays are awesome as far as I am concerned. This has been a painfully long week. My boss is on a mini-vacation and I am in charge. I can handle the being in charge part. I just don't like this huge amount of work being put on my shoulders because someone else didn't do their job and I have to pick up the pieces. There is a lot of that at my place of employment. And they pay shitty. Good times.

Rory is coming over tonight because my sister went to see Tom Petty in Boston. We will be leaving shortly to go pick him up. I put a lot of chemicals in the pool yesterday and I am hoping that it is going to be okay for the kids to swim in it tonight or tomorrow. Miles was despondent yesterday because he had baseball practice and I wouldn't let him go in the pool. He would go in even if it was cold and raining, I think.

I finally called the doctor's office today. I am going on Tuesday at 9:45. Good times.

A strange thing happened to me today. I saw my ex-husband's wife and 2 of their kids (there's four of them). She was yelling at them a lot. And she is less attractive than me. That really made my day. Shallow, I know.

Off to test the pool.

Very annoyed

Still haven't heard back from the doctor's office about my appointment. God forbid I should have something wrong with me, I could be dead by the time they call me back. Also, it is late and I haven't eaten dinner yet. I am having noodles. When in doubt.

Off to be crabby.

Pool = Happiness

So it's been disgustingly hot here lately. I detest the heat, which is one of the many reasons I still live in Maine, because if I think it gets too hot here, how would I survive anywhere else. I really need to move with the seasons because I hate the snow, too. Anyhow, it has been in the 80's and humid the last few days. I realize that there are people who live in places like Maryland where it got to 100 yesterday, so I should be happy it was only 80. My response to that is: that's what you get for moving to Maryland. So, on Sunday we put up the pool. It is one of those inflatable things that is about 3 feet deep. Obviously we aren't going to be doing any laps in it, but the kids love it and, frankly, so do I. It is just making me happy to have it. I work at a place where they don't turn on the air conditioning until 7:00. I get there at 6:00, so by the time it kicks in on days like today, I feel like I have malaria. I never really recover from that, so I usually spend the whole day wishing I could jump in some ice water. Now it is 76 out and I am wearing a long-sleeved shirt and pajama pants. Why? Because I went in my pool when I got home today, and now I feel awesome. Temperature-wise, of course. Yay pool!

It seems like this week is taking forever. That could be because I am actually working -gasp!- 40 hours this week. Shocking, I know. Next week, however, I have two days off because Miles is getting out of school on Wednesday and daycamp doesn't start until the next Monday. The doctor's office called yesterday to tell me I need to see her about my lab work. That makes one feel good. I called them today and I got a lovely, but incompetent woman who kept me on hold for about 10 minutes while she tried to figure out why I needed an appointment. When she finally told me that was why I was waiting I said "I know what I need the appointment for, I just want to know when to come in.". She told me she would call me back. Still haven't heard anything. It's not like it's important or anything. If I go in there and they tell me everything is fine, I am going to be annoyed. Isn't that what postcards are for?

I need to make dinner now, but I have no motivation. Also my house is a horrific mess. I need a cleaning lady.

Off to be.

Happy June!

It's June now, and it feels like it. It has been around 70 today, but it has also been threatening to rain for most of the day. Yesterday Miles had a game at 10:00. There were dark, foreboding clouds overhead and we heard some thunder. Three kids got up to bat before the coach of a team on the other field came over and yelled: "Lightning! Everybody in the dugouts!". We just ran to the car and went home. It poured. It was unfortunate, too, because Jen, Rory and my mother were going to go. Maybe next time.

Speaking of my mother, she has officially moved home now. She was very sad about it, and I don't blame her. Her house is a mess. Jen and I really need to start going over there on a regular basis and cleaning. Ugh. Anyone have any matches?

Miles and Rory spent the entire day together yesterday, from about 10:30 to 9:00 last night. They got along so well, I didn't want to split them up. Sometimes they are at each other's throats. Today Miles has spent the whole day moping around. I think it is his medicine. He won't be taking it much longer, because school is almost out, and I think I am going to discontinue his weekend doses if it is going to make him like that.

Off to cook.

Sleepy and cranky

I am tired all the time lately. I don't feel rested at all when I wake up. I have come to the conclusion that my pillow is to blame. I need to have my head elevated to a certain level and my pillow must be firm and not squishy. I have had this particular pillow for a while now, and it seems to have crapped out on me. So I purchased a new one today at Target on clearance. I am hoping it will be a miracle cure and tomorrow I will wake up refreshed and a new woman. We shall see.

My boy has only 3 more weeks left of school. Then he will be a second grader. That is profoundly disturbing for me. I remember second grade quite well. Ronald Reagan was running for president again. I voted for him in my class election. I had this idea that I wanted to be a Republican so I could be like my dad. So much for that.

Miles and I purchased a fuzzy poster at the local Wal-Mart today. Words can't describe how much we love fuzzy posters. The sad thing is, our enthusiasm for them tends to wane before we actually finish them. But it is fun anyway.

Off to color.

Very busy

So, because my work is still lame, I have had the last 2 days off as well as today and tomorrow. It seems like such a nice deal, except the mortgage doesn't get paid on 17 hours a week. On Thursday I went on a trip, despite the exorbitant gas prices, to the big city and the Christmas Tree Shop. It was a productive time, I bought some lawn chairs, a new flag, some baskets for the bathroom; and I saw some old friends from high school. Yesterday, Erik took the day off as well and we went to Lowe's and spent another small fortune on soil, mulch and more plants. Who needs to eat when you have an awesome looking yard? Anyway, we also planted a little and a strange cat we have never seen before showed up in our yard and wouldn't leave. It loved us, it got in my lap and made biscuits, and when we went inside it stood on our fire escape and cried at us to come in. I don't need another cat. It was really cute, though.

If the clouds go away we have more planting in store for today. Also a cookout with my mom and the Eckers. I think I don't need to leave the house today for anything and I love that. Last night I went to a going-away party for my friend Linda from work. Her husband is in the Navy and she's moving to Tennessee. She is awesome and I am going to miss her a lot. I had a really good time and didn't get home until *gasp* 9:30! I am so rebellious.

Off to have coffee.

I love David Cook

I swore I wasn't ever going to be cheesy and write about American Idol. I consider myself a bit of a connoisseur of reality shows, I only watch what I consider to be the classics. And I don't blog about it, because that is lame. Well, now I am lame, but that's okay. Because David Cook is just the cutest thing ever. Oh yeah, and he sings good, too.

Off to be lame.

Issues

I feel ill at ease. I don't know what it is specifically. It is nothing glaringly obvious. Okay, maybe slightly obvious, but I swear there is something else that I just can't put my finger on. I spend a lot of my time wishing I knew what is going to happen. What does life have in store for me? Should I go this way or that, or some other way I have yet to find? Nothing is easy. All decisions can have major consequences. In an effort to avoid conflict, and therefore take the easy way out, a lot of us just leave things the way they are and hope a solution will present itself. But what about all the time you have wasted and all the opportunities you may have missed? I am a great believer in fate, in the sense that things happen for a reason, even if it isn't obvious at the time, and everything works out the way it is supposed to. I believe that all my experiences and choices, good and bad, have made me the person that I am today, and, therefore, were important even if they were painful. But sometimes I just wish life were easy. Sometimes I wish that things were black or white. I am having issues lately. I feel like I have this huge decision to make, but I know it isn't only up to me. Part of me thinks I should just wait things out and see where life takes me. But the rest of me worries that I will run out of time, that someday I will look back on this and say "why didn't I do that sooner?". Or maybe there is no decision to be made. Maybe it will be made for me.

Weekend fun

Yesterday we spent what amounts to a small fortune on plants for our yard. I got some for the planters by the walkway, for around the mailbox, and we finally got the hedges we have been wanting to put in on the other side of the driveway so no one will drive on it anymore. When we bought this house 2 years ago it was a business, and they used the entire yard for a driveway. We sectioned part of it off on the far side and planted grass, but people still drove on it as though the grass weren't there. By people I don't mean our friends and loved ones who come over to visit us, I mean the seemingly thousands of people who drive up this narrow, dead end street with 3 houses on it on a daily basis. Before this house went up for sale, I had never even seen this road, let alone drove up it, but apparently everyone in the area feels the need to drive up here and turn around. I have issues with this, if you couldn't tell.

So we planted some of our stuff today, but then we got tired of it, and there was a game on. I had a tick crawling on me earlier and Erik just pulled one out of his leg. Barf. I had great plans to make a big dinner, but now I am tired and don't want to. I have laundry to do and I need a shower.

Off to check for ticks. Yum.

Genius boy

My child is a genius. Obviously I am not exactly impartial, and everyone says that about their child, but this time it is true. By the end of 1st grade children are ideally reading at a level 16. At our last parent-teacher conference in February, Miles was at around a 12 or 13, which was normal. Now he is reading at level 20. It just amazes me. It's unfortunate that he has to take medication in order for it to happen, but at least it is working. Erik has ADHD as well, and he's gone through his whole life thinking he's stupid because he didn't do well in school. I don't want that for Miles.

Today I am off, again. Erik was going to stay home with me, but he went to work anyway because he is way too responsible. Miles has a doctor's appointment this afternoon, so I have to pick him up early. I should clean, but it's supposed to rain this weekend, so perhaps I will put it off until then. Or next year.

Off to slack.

It's official

That's right, it's my anniversary. This is officially the longest marriage I have had. I feel quite good about this. Especially since I am not planning to or thinking about ending it any time soon. Hopefully never. So in honor of this, I thought I would break out a couple of the pictures from the big day that I don't hate:

You can't see my face very well in this because I was concentrating really hard on not falling down. In an effort to appear less midget-like, especially next to my freakishly tall husband and his freakishly tall family, I wore giant high-heeled platform shoes. It was a little scary until I got a couple of drinks in me, and then I was fine.


Here is one of me getting ready. I picked this because it is one of the only pictures where my face isn't flaming red. Despite it being May, it was around 80 degrees out that day. That's V holding my veil. She is 16 now and taller than Erryl (whose head is levitating behind me).



Another one of us. I think I don't hate this one because it's grainy and dark. Plus you can see my dress better. I loved that dress.

The picture up above is my family, obviously. Jen, my dad, me, Erik, my mom, Erryl, and the boys. They look so young. It makes me feel old.

Off to reminisce.

Ticks. Ick.

I just want to say that I have lived in rural Maine for the majority of my 31-plus years, and I don't ever recall hearing about ticks until I was an adult. I grew up, literally, in the middle of the woods. There were trees everywhere and we had a big lawn with a lot of grass, which was sometimes long. We would spend hours outside in the trees, rolling in the grass. The idea of ticks was unfathomable to me. Yesterday I pulled a big, disgusting tick off of Miles' hip along with a pretty good chunk of skin. Erik had one on his arm the other night as well. And as if the idea of a parasitic bug attaching itself to your skin and sucking your blood isn't enough, you have to worry about lyme disease. Those ticks are so small you can barely see them. Two years ago when Miles was in Preschool, he had a big red rash that his teachers thought was the "bullseye rash" that you get from lyme disease. He had to take antibiotics just in case, but as it turned out, he just has a bad reaction to mosquito bites. Like there aren't enough things to worry about in the world now. Ticks.

Off to gag.

Friday

It's Friday and I am off...again. Actually next Friday as well, and perhaps the one after that. It's because my work sucks and I have virtually no hours. It's nice having Friday off, but not when you can't afford to go anywhere because you barely make enough money to pay for gas to get to work and back. Good times.

Today I have to go get blood taken for some fun and exciting tests I am having done. I need to go now because I had to fast and I am starting to get hungry. Also I haven't had any coffee yet or taken any of my pills. Perhaps I should get going.

Off to bleed.

I love baseball

I find this to be an amusing turn of events at my age. I never liked baseball. I didn't like playing it and I didn't like watching it. I was even married to a man who not only played it, but watched it frequently and it never interested me. Believe me I watched a lot of baseball in those 4 years, including games he was in. Gag. Now, in my later years, I love it. I actually started getting involved in it last year when my sister was living with us. She is a rabid Red Sox fan (who isn't?), and Erik started watching games with her. We also went to see Rory play a couple of times and even had our own game with the kids, the Eckers and the Parkers. It was awesome. Now Miles is playing, and I got my own Red Sox hat last week! Also my mother is very involved, because of being home with her injury she has seen almost every game. It cracks me up. Go Sox!

Today I am off. I got my boy on the bus and I will be picking him up at school because he thinks that is the best thing ever. Then we will be driving to Bowdoinham to get Recker. I am spending the day with my mother, although I am not entirely sure what we will be doing. Right now she is snoring and I am antsy because usually I would have been at work for a couple of hours by now.

Off to try to wake up the old lady.

One more day

Because my work sucks, I am off on Friday. I am only complaining because day off = no pay. Otherwise, having Friday off is awesome. My mother came over last night to spend the night so she could give my sister a break. We had spaghetti and meatballs and watched American Idol and the Red Sox game. It was a lovely evening. She is coming over again on Thursday, which is also the day of Miles' first baseball practice. Then he has a game on Saturday. That should be interesting.

Go Sox!

Off to do stuff.

Monday sucks

I guess I can't complain that much. I have a short day at work today (9-2), but it is yucky out and all I want to do is go back to bed. I slept strangely and had a dream that John Mayer proposed to Paula Abdul live on American Idol. I am not sure why I had that dream since I watched nothing relating to any of those things yesterday. Anyhow, as is usual for Monday, I am cranky.

It was nice all last week and now this week it is supposed to be rainy and crappy pretty much every day. I know that I have to work, so it shouldn't really matter what the weather is like, but nice weather really puts one in a good mood, even if you are at work.

Off to be cranky.

Slacker

I have been really bad about writing lately. I don't know what my problem is. I guess it is just that I am too tired and/or busy to bother. I shall try to do better, but I can't promise anything.

I am on my mini-vacation. It is very nice outside, so I can't complain about the weather, but I would feel better if I weren't so broke. The IRS was very unkind to us this year, so I have been depressed about that. It seems like the more you make, the more you get screwed. It is almost better, sometimes, to be desperately poor. I remember when we had our first apartment and we paid $500 a month and that was it. Everything was included, we didn't have any car payments or credit cards. I was pregnant, but we had state insurance, so everything was free. Now I have this big house, but it's so fucking expensive I can't stand it. And gas is expensive, and food. And I make less now than I did then because my job sucks. I need a new one that isn't so lame. It's just hard to change. It would be nice to win the lottery, but I suppose it would help if I actually played.

Off to the playground.

Tired

I have a mini-vacation coming up next week, and all I can say is it can't come soon enough. I am tired, I have cramps, and some sort of allergy-thing that is making me sound like a man. All I want is lots of sleep. Honestly, I wouldn't care about a fancy vacation somewhere, even if I could afford it. If I could just have a few days to myself with no interruptions or responsibilities so I could do nothing but sleep, I would be the happiest person in the world.

Off to not sleep.

Must...survive...the...week

All I can say is I can't wait until tomorrow at around 1:30. I have overtime, so I get to get out an hour or so early, and it can't come soon enough. This week has seemed especially obnoxious. Perhaps it is because it is the first full week I have worked since my mother fell. I have been sleeping like crap, which makes me have trouble getting up on time. I plan to sleep late on Saturday, no matter what anyone else has to say about it. Perhaps I will wear earplugs so I won't hear any sassy comments.

Off to wallow.

Blood, anyone?

I gave blood today. This is absolutely the only good thing I do for other people. It is only the third time I have done it, but I feel like it is my obligation. Apparently I have a rare blood type, which is probably why they seem so nice to me there. The thing I need to remember is to bring a book when I go because I end up waiting for quite a while sometimes. I checked in at 5:15 and didn't leave until 7:00, I am not one for small talk so I could have really used some reading material. Anyway, I did it and I feel good now. I highly recommend it to anyone who feels like they do nothing but take up space. Just be prepared for a lot of questions about your sex life. If you are a prostitute from Africa who has had a skin graft maybe you should stay home, though.

Off to replenish my fluids.

Another long week is over

I had a cranky week. There were lots of reasons for it; work, family, etc; but I won't dwell on those. Today is Saturday and Erik is painting. Miles and I have plans to go over to my sister's house. We were there last night to watch the game and hang out. Today Miles and Rory are going to hang out with my mother while Jen and I make a trip to the tundra where my mother's house is. I am not looking forward to it. Going there is stressful and depressing and overwhelming all at once. I think I may have convinced my mother that she needs to just sell the house and not worry about all the things that are wrong with it. But we have to clean it out first. No one could really get what it is like. Whatever the worst is you can imagine, multiply that by ten and that is her house. It makes me want to curl into a ball and go to sleep.

Off to drink heavily.

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Yay! It's my mom's birthday. She is the big 66 today. I am making her the sugar-free cake and we are going over later for dinner or something. Jenny is making her a birthday breakfast, so I was inspired to make a big breakfast over here as well. It's not that we never have that, but usually I make it for dinner when I have more energy. We are having eggs, bacon, home fries, toast. Yum. I may not need to eat for the rest of the day.

Off to work on breakfast.

Yay, it's Friday!

In the last 2 years, since I got a real job with weekends off, I have really come to appreciate Friday afternoons. I got out early today because there wasn't much to do. Went over to see Zipper Hip and brought her a salad from Wendy's. We visited and gossiped. Aside from the snow, it turned out to be a pretty good day. Plus, it's Friday.

Sunday is my mommy's birthday. Tomorrow I have to make her a birthday cake. The hitch is she doesn't eat sugar. So I have to make this recipe I got from the Splenda website. It isn't completely sugar-free, because I have to use the 1/2 Splenda 1/2 sugar mix, but she doesn't know the difference. I have eaten a lot of sugar-free food in the 17-plus years since my mother gave it up, and that cake is pretty good.

Off to eat homemade pizza in my jammies. I love Fridays.

Fun and excitement

Wow, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Last Wednesday I was at work when I got a phone call at around 8:45 am from the Sagadahoc County Sheriff's Department telling me that my mother had fallen outside her house and may have broken her hip. My mother? Breaking your hip is something that happens to old people. But of course my mother is almost 66. So I went to the hospital and stood around for about an hour and a half before I could talk to her. I could see where she was and I could hear her, so that helped. Fortunately she had her cell phone, otherwise who knows how long she would have been there. She said a couple of her neighbors drove by while she was laying there. Hello? Do I have to put up a sign that says "Look for old lady on ground"? Anyway, the fixed her hip and they say she will be as good as new. She was kind of hoping for a new hip so she would be bionic. You can't have everything. She is doing well and in surprisingly good spirits. She keeps calling herself "zipper hip". Have I mentioned my mother is the funniest person I know?

Now she is at my sister's house recuperating. I don't know if I will ever let her back in her house alone again. It is a horrible, offensive mess. She has to use a walker for 8 weeks. There is no way she could even get through her front door with that thing. This has just fueled me and my sister's belief that she can not spend another winter out there. She lives in the tundra. In a big house full of junk. And did I mention she's old? I always liked having older parents when I was a kid, but now it is starting to suck. I can see what my future is going to be like and it is quite depressing.

I am sure I had more things to say, but it took me 2 days to write this and I have lost my train of thought. Oldness is setting in.

Off to find my cane.

Blah

I had a long weekend (Thurs-Sun) and I feel like I got absolutely nothing accomplished. Part of it is I am pathetically broke until this Friday, so I couldn't really go anywhere. We mostly stayed home. Miles went out on Saturday with my mother to spend his birthday gift card at Wal-Mart. He knew what he was getting and exactly where to find it as he has been scoping it out every time we have gone there in the last 3 weeks. For those of you dying to know what it is, he bought TMNT game for PS2. Woo.

Erik and I rented some movies this weekend as usual. I always get them from the vending machine at the grocery store, because it only costs $1.00 so if it sucks I don't' feel cheated. On Friday night we watched "Eastern Promises". I wasn't sure about this movie going into it. I had seen previews of it and thought it looked like crap. On the other hand, I heard good things, and it had Viggo Mortensen in it and I think he is fabulous in everything he does. Plus, he was nominated for an Academy Award for it. Anyway, it was horrid. He was good, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't really like Naomi Watts. The only other thing I think I have seen her in was "The Ring", and it seemed to me like she was the same person as in that. I hated that movie, too. The only reason to watch "Eastern Promises" as far as I can tell is for the nude fight scene, not so much because you get to see Viggo's parts as much as you just have to wonder how stressful that must have been. I am sure it is hard enough to film scenes where you are being beaten, stabbed, and thrown around by large men, but to have to do it naked? That is acting. We also watched "Perfect Stranger" with Halle Berry, that sucked too. But, I only spent $2.00.

Miles is getting his white belt in Tae Kwon Do today. I am in awe of his power.

Off to slack.

Winter sucks

So it's Thursday and I am off, which is nice, but it means I am also not getting paid. That is bad because I am desperately broke right now. It worked out, however, because Miles only has a half-day of school today. I do have a lot to do today. I have to go to the bank, get blood taken because I haven't had my thyroid checked in 2 years or so, and be back to pick Miles up at school at 11:30. I am hoping to get my taxes done this weekend because we need the money. I am sick of winter and how much everything costs. I was thinking of setting my house on fire because that should keep us warm for a while. Good times.

Off to find the matches.

Mmmm...lasagna

So my lasagna is in the oven and it smells awesome. I really do make a mean lasagna, but I don't do it very often because it is a bit of an ordeal. Plus, I don't like to put a huge amount of effort into a meal we can't all eat. And there is no way I am making a lasagna without cheese. That is just wrong. It makes a ton, so we will probably be eating lasagna for the rest of the week. I will be sick of it by Thursday I imagine.

I moved some furniture around today in the spare bedroom/game room/sewing room. I made room for the new storage bin rack I got for Miles' toys. I also hung some pictures and cleaned a little. I feel pleasantly productive.

Back to work tomorrow. Because my work is lame, I am only working 3 days this week. I can't really complain, however, because as it works out Miles is off on Friday and has a half day on Thursday. So I guess it worked out. I will just be really irritated when I get my paycheck. I am horribly broke, as usual, and need to get my taxes done. I have been putting it off because we had planned to use the money for our potential trip to the Grand Canyon and we didn't want to use all the money now. But I have bills to pay that are slightly more important right now than the Grand Canyon. Maybe we could go to New Hampshire instead.

Off to make salad and garlic bread.

Spring forward

I just made a lasagna that I am not even going to eat. Well, not tonight anyway. We were going to have that for dinner, I even invited Jen and Rory over. But Rory was not feeling well and I didn't feel like starting the lasagna at the time I needed to start in order to eat it at a decent hour. So we had something else and I made the lasagna for tomorrow night. Score! Now I don't have to do anything but bake it tomorrow night. I rock sometimes. I mean always.

Nothing terribly exciting has been going on lately, which is why I haven't written much. Just the same old shit. I am tired all the time, and broke all the time. I was thinking Erik and I should do something interesting for our anniversary this year, but I suppose just paying the mortgage would help. I want to rearrange my furniture, but am not really sure how to move it because there isn't a lot of space to work with.

Easter is in 2 weeks already. I can't think about it because it is so early this year. I really want winter to be over with. We have to set our clocks ahead tonight, but that just depresses me. I know it makes the days "longer", but it makes it totally dark in the morning when I got to work again. I know I go to work at an inhumane hour of the day, but a little sun isn't too much to ask. I can't wait for March to be over because then the end of this will be in sight. We were supposed to have another storm last night/today. It kept changing, sometimes they would say 4 inches of snow, sometimes ice, mostly I heard a mix of ice, snow and rain. Well, all it did was rain, I guess. I couldn't even tell when I got up this morning if it had done anything. Then it rained this afternoon. Erik hates rain because the roof leaks. But I just can't take any more snow. I will lose my mind.

Off to put the boy to bed and watch 'Rendition'.

Yay me!

Today I got an email from my friend Randy, which is exciting in and of itself because he NEVER emails anyone. Apparently he is too popular and/or cool, handsome and clever to write to his friends. Anyway he sent me this page from his calendar which has get out of work excuses:
I feel so special that someone actually thought of me. Even if it was about vertigo.

Miles went to the dentist today and finally got his x-rays done!! Every time we have gone, he gags or doesn't sit still long enough for them to get the pictures. Last time I could have gotten it done if the damn hygienist had moved her ass instead of standing there waiting for him to sit still longer than 6 seconds. I think they are all worried about traumatizing children. I say suck it up. He's tough. All I had to do was bribe him and it worked like a charm. You have to be able to know how to talk to children.

I have this incredible desire to go somewhere. I just don't know where. And I have no money. Details.

Off to do something else.

Boring

It's Sunday and I feel no motivation to do anything. I am making beef stew for dinner, which is already cooking in the crock pot as I type this. And I am planning on making apple crisp as well, so I guess it isn't as bad as I thought. Erik is outside dismantling the snowblower so he can figure out what is wrong with it. It is 47 out, but I just don't feel like leaving the house. I am so old.

I have nothing else interesting to report. I need to start making things up. Off to shower.

Will it ever stop?

The title to this entry is in reference to the seemingly never ending amount of snow we seem to be always getting. It snowed last weekend, then Wednesday and it is going to snow again tonight/tomorrow. Isn't it spring yet? I am so tired of this, and the sad part is even when it is spring, that doesn't mean it will end. I think we have had enough snow to last us at least the next 4 winters. Enough already.

I am finally feeling better. Yesterday I got out of bed (!) and showered (!) and went to the store!! All by myself! It was odd, not leaving the house for 4 days. I went back to work today. And now it's the weekend so I have two days off again. Working hard. The downside to having all that time off is that I slept so much, I have trouble sleeping when I am supposed to. I lie in bed for hours before I fall asleep. It is a little maddening.

Off to put on my jammies and relax some more.

The room is spinning

So my vertigo has not gone away. I stayed home from work and Erik took me to the doctor's. I have to miss work until at least Wednesday and I have to take meclizine, which makes me really, really drowsy. I took a 3-hour nap and got up so I can have dinner. Erik has been just lovely. He took the whole day off from work so he could take me to the doctor's and pick up Miles from tae kwon do. Now he is making me macaroni and cheese. Then I will probably go back to bed.

Lent is not going well. I blame my sickness.

Seven years old

Yesterday was my baby's 7th birthday. I have trouble believing that, so I keep trying to convince him he's 6. It isn't working. He had his party yesterday, which turned out quite well. My Dad couldn't come because he was sick and Erik's parents couldn't come either, but we still had a good time. Miles had fun with his friends and got lots of good loot. He wants to have a party with his friends from school, but I don't know if we are actually going to do that. I can only handle so many kids at once.

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. However, today I am suffering from what I can only assume is vertigo. I feel like the room is spinning and I have trouble balancing. Good times.

Party on

I haven't written all week because I have been crazed and tired. Yesterday I was off and Miles and I went to the big city (South Portland) to buy party supplies for his big bash on Saturday. We are having a pirate-themed party, which means a lot of things with skulls on them. I love skulls. I plan to break out my lucky skull earrings for the occasion. Today, however, I have to clean to prepare for all of these people coming to my house. My house isn't really messy, but cluttered, and when I clean I tend to spend a lot of time organizing as well. This is why I don't clean that often, because I have to make everything perfect and that takes a long time.

I can't believe my baby is going to be 7. I keep doing to him what my dad does to me and telling him he is only going to be 6. It used to annoy the hell out of me when my dad did it, but now I think it is hilarious. I just have trouble dealing with it. Where did the time go? It's making me feel old and I don't like it. Part of me is liking that he is older and he will graduate from high school in 11 years. And part of me wants to make him stop growing up. I guess I should have had another one, if only for spare parts, but that didn't work out so well. Dried up eggs.

Off to eat my breakfast and clean. Party tomorrow!

Beware of emotional women

I realize that my last post was not only incredibly negative, but also 3 days ago and all of the 2 people who read this are wondering what has happened since then. Did I kill my husband for buying me a fucking stuffed animal for Valentine's Day? The answer is no, I did not kill him, but I did do a lot of crying about it. If this had occurred at another time, perhaps my reaction would not have been quite so severe. However, my recent state of mind regarding my marriage coupled with it being a certain time of the month caused me to be completely devastated. I refrained from saying anything until the next day because I didn't want to seem ungrateful, but it still caused a negative reaction from the person who bought it. I guess when I told him not to buy me $50 flowers like last year he thought that meant not to buy any flowers. So the next day I bought myself chocolates for 1/2 off at Target. Yay me.

I went to my mother's house yesterday. It was utterly traumatizing. She lives in a black hole full of junk mail and empty soda bottles. There is stuff everywhere. There is literally no place to sit because everywhere is covered with books, magazines, cat hair, and god knows what else. She never throws anything away and she never cleans. It is horrific. I can't even talk about it anymore.

On Saturday, my boy will be 7. This past weekend he lost another tooth, which has caused him to resemble a jack'o'lantern.

Off to finish roasting a chicken. I am so domestic.

Happy fucking Valentine's Day

The end of the world is coming

Today is just an awesome day, weather-wise. I guess you can't always tell sarcasm from typing, but I was being facetious. It snowed a ton last night, then rained. So the snow is super-heavy and slushy. Awesome. Plus, it rained so much and the storm drains are full of snow, so a lot of streets are flooded. My sister thinks it's Armageddon. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and in the mid-30s.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day. I hate that holiday. It just serves to make people who are single feel bad about themselves. It is just a way to make people spend more money on crap they don't need. I am celebrating by having 3 cavities filled. More awesomeness.

I finally finished Harry Potter. I have nothing to say about it except that it was unbelievable. I can't wait to read it again. I need to make my sister read it so I have someone to talk to about it.

Off to clean up cat puke and make dinner. Those two activities are completely unrelated, btw.

In the land of giants...

I discovered something incredibly disturbing tonight. My baby, the boy I carried for 9 months, who is now almost 7 years old, is a whopping 49 inches tall. I am only 62 inches tall. When did this happen? I will soon be surrounded by giants.

Sinners

I am determined to have a good week, even if it kills me. Work sucks, but I am just trying to put in my 8 hours and not stress about it too much. I need to call the doctor about Miles, but I keep putting it off because I don't want to think about it too much and get sad again. I am going to try and get everything done in a timely manner, so I don't spend the majority of my evening worrying about lunches and laundry. I say this as I am sitting in front of my computer at almost 5pm and I haven't started dinner. Baby steps.

So on occasion my semi-Catholic upbringing comes back to haunt me. Actually, no, that makes it sound sinister and it isn't. My point is this year I have given something up for Lent, trying to be the good Catholic girl that I once was, sort of. There are certain ground-rules I have developed in my head about what I can and can't do involving said activity (which I refuse to mention). However, it is proving to be much more difficult than I thought it would be, and that is all I am going to say about it. Only 35 more days.

Off to make dinner like the good wife I am. Sometimes.

Lists

Yesterday was devoted to my once-a-week grocery shopping trip. I started this a few weeks ago because I came to the conclusion that I go to the grocery store far too often. Once upon a time when I didn't live near a grocery store, I made sure to buy the majority of my necessities in one trip instead of going 4 or 5 times a week. That is my new goal. Living 3 minutes from the grocery store is sometimes a curse because I think to myself: "I don't know what to have for dinner, I'll just go to the store", which, invariably, places undue stress upon my life and we end up not eating until sometime around midnight because there are too many choices at the store and we all know how good I am at making a decision. The main component to my new plan is a very specific, detailed list. Too often I write down a couple of things I need and figure I will remember the rest. Well, I don't until I need it to make some delicious meal and we end up eating mac and cheese from a box. So I spend a long time working on this list and planning out what we are going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, not to mention snacks, for the next week. I finish my list and get my coupons and reusable grocery bags and head off for what is usually a lengthy adventure requiring multiple stops. I hate that we have so many grocery stores because there are certain things I can only get at one or the other. I go to Hannaford for seafood and sometimes other things depending on the sales; I go to Wal-Mart for a lot of things even though I hate it because some stuff is much cheaper, however, I refuse to buy produce there because it looks like it came from the dumpsters of the other stores; but most of my shopping is done at Shaw's because it is 3 minutes from my house and it holds a special place in my heart, and they have good produce and a deli counter. So the point of all this rambling is that I spend all this time trying to make this come off without a hitch, but, as we all know, nothing works that way in real life. Most often the snafu involves my list. Two weeks ago I lost it in between Wal-Mart and Shaw's. Yesterday I left it at home. Luckily Erik was here so I could call and copy it down while standing in the aisle at Hannaford. So that was my fun and exciting Saturday. Not to mention, we are supposed to have ANOTHER storm, so everyone and their third cousin was out stocking up in case we all get stuck in our houses by the snow, because that happens so often around here. I love people.

I feel like going into hiding and sleeping for at least a week. However, tomorrow is Monday, so I will be back to work at 6am. I work a full week this week, and then next week I only work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday because it is February vacation. You know what that means. In less than 2 weeks, my baby is going to be *excuse me while I wipe away the tears* 7. How did this happen? I don't recall seven years going by. I think I need to start looking at canes and walkers, because the "golden years" are approaching rapidly. As my dear, departed grandmother always told me: 'The golden years are hell.'. Looking forward to it.

I need to go do something. I am almost done with my Harry Potter book, so I am tempted to finish that. I should really do housework, but that's not nearly as fun.

My day off

It is Friday. Miles has no school today because of parent-teacher conferences that, because of the weather, they have decided to cancel. I forgot he was having today off, but conveniently got the day off anyway. We were going to go to the party store to peruse the selection of party paraphernalia for his upcoming celebration. However, it appears to be snowing out and I don't know if I want to drive all the way to South Portland in the snow just to go to the cool party store. We will have to go out at some point because we are picking Rory up at school today. We haven't seen him in a long time, so that will be nice.

My cat is cleaning herself. I can't imagine how an indoor cat could get her paw so dirty that she feels the need to bite at it to get it clean enough. She is hilarious. She is mostly white and incredibly meticulous about her fur. Now she has decided to wait for her sister to come through the door so she can jump on her. As usual she has forgotten what she was doing and is now lying down and sniffing the floor. Cats crack me up.

I am going to go have some Honey Bunches of Oats, which is by far the greatest cereal on the planet, and think about what to do with my day.

Shut up

So my child has - no surprise here- ADHD. Now I have to decide what to do about it, if anything. I am terribly stressed and depressed about the whole thing. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, because everyone seems to have an opinion about what I should do. He is my child and I am the one who has to decide and I am the one who has to deal with it. I don't really give a shit what anyone else has to say. It just amazes me that people think they can tell me how to parent. Anyone who has never dealt with this as a parent has no idea what it is like. I love my baby just the way he is. Sure, he drives me nuts when he bounces off the walls and doesn't pay attention when I tell him 100 times a day not to run in the house. But that is him and I accept that. If it were as simple as his behavior being annoying, then I would never do anything about it. But it is not that simple. His life at school is suffering because of it. I don't want him to grow up thinking he is stupid because he doesn't understand what is going on in class. He understands, he just doesn't listen because his mind is too busy being preoccupied with other things. I just don't know what the right answer is and I don't care to hear what anyone else thinks it is. I just want to curl into a ball and go to sleep and when I wake up it will all be taken care of.

ADHD sucks

My baby is broken. I just want to cry.

Saturday excitement

It's the weekend finally. I was able to sleep in today without any grief or snide comments thanks to my 10-hours-less-a-week argument. I guess once I put it into real numbers instead of whining about how tired I always am, I actually got some sympathy. Yay me!

We didn't leave the house today, but got quite a bit done. Erik installed some new cabinets in our horrible kitchen. The cabinets are horrible as well, but it means more storage which it is sorely lacking in. Eventually we want a whole new kitchen, but that would require building an addition, since our plan is to make half of our current kitchen into a downstairs bathroom. So until I can afford my new addition with new kitchen, I don't care so much if stuff doesn't match. I do plan to paint all the cabinets so they will match somewhat, but I don't know when that will happen. I also plan to paint the kitchen, dining room, and reading room. Hopefully within the next 10 years. I tend to procrastinate.

I bought Miles one of those disgusting Kid's Cuisine frozen entrees that he loves so much. Because of his severe milk allergy, there are only 3 kinds he can eat, and he still can't eat everything in those 3. For dinner tonight he was going to eat the "Fiesta Beef Taco Dippers", which consists of 3 little tacos, a bag of tiny tortilla chips, applesauce, and disgusting liquid cheese. So I opened it and discovered that the frozen liquid cheese substitute had somehow leaked into the other compartments, thereby rendering it inedible to my child. There was one taco that didn't get contaminated, but what would be the point of eating one microscopic taco? He took it well. Everyone assumes he must have it so hard because of his allergy. He has been like this his whole life, so he doesn't know any different. Sometimes it bothers him, but I try to find dairy-free alternatives to most of the things that other people eat. Except cheese, I have yet to find a dairy-free cheese that doesn't look or taste like plastic.

That's all I have for now. Tomorrow is the big game. Go Pats! Monday is Miles' doctor's appointment. I am incredibly nervous and stressed about the whole thing.

I just remembered I have a gin and tonic sitting on the counter. Off to drink away my sorrows!

Stress

It's almost Friday again. Next week is rather busy. I am not actually working that much, only 28 hours, but there is a lot going on. Monday I am taking Miles to the doctor to begin what I can only assume will be a long and arduous process of having him evaluated for ADHD. I already know he has it, I have known for years, but now we have to figure out what the hell to do about it. Erik has it and he never took medicine or did anything that I know of to help him out. He struggled in school and still thinks that he is stupid just because he had trouble concentrating. I don't want Miles to be like that and there are a lot more things they can do now to help kids. It's really hard for me because I never dealt with this growing up. Miles is really smart and does really well with reading and math, but most of the time he has trouble with his work because he wasn't paying enough attention to the instructions so he doesn't know what to do. You only want the best for your children, and I don't want him to struggle in school or in life because of this. Plus, sometimes it is more than I can take. On Thursday we have a parent-teacher conference with Mrs. Fullerton. We went to see her 3 months ago and she recommended that we take him to the doctor. It has taken me that long to do it. I suck. I am just so stressed about this whole thing.

My stomach hurts a lot lately and I feel like I have no motivation to do anything. I really want to just go to sleep. That probably isn't good. I usually sleep in on the weekends, but I always get such grief about it that almost doesn't help. I would just like to point out that I am up 2 hours before everyone else in this house Monday through Friday. That is 10 hours less of sleep that I get than them. I need a whole extra nights sleep to make up for that. That is a really good argument. I might use that on Saturday when I am made fun of for sleeping past 9. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to sleep through to the next day. Sad, but true.

I feel icky. Maybe I will go lay down.